.Roller Coaster Wreckage. ♥

That seems to describe my emotions of late. They've been up and down, all over the place... and finally screeched to a wrecking stop.
It does depend on who I'm with.. the surroundings and everything else that's going through my mind...
But I've realised as this retarded roller coaster goes round I'm pushing myself further away from people...slowly forcing myself into more anti social activities... and thinking a lot.
Honestly I shouldn't be allowed to think about anything... It just complicates everything... because I over think and over analyse...

And I'm not sure why, but recently I've begun missing my father again.... I guess this is the time when families start to get everything together, sort stuff out... I mean my mother doesn't even want ME to go to my 'graduation'. Yes, I know I'm not really graduating... But I'm passing my SACE and I've completed almost 12 years of schooling... It's a chance to meet my teachers and generally have a good night. But no, she refuses to go because I'm not fully graduating and is trying to discourage me from going because I'm returning next year.
Isn't the high school graduation ceremony, award ceremony etc, the parts where your family is meant to get together and go to?

It's times like this I miss my father, and as the dates move closer I miss him more. And it hurts, so much. It's like being 13 again and having him rip my heart out and tear it to pieces... all over again. I've been so tempted to call him, just to hear his voice... Just to have him say hello to me... Just once. I can't stand hearing stories from my friends about their fathers.. or how they do all this stuff with their families.... It tears me to pieces...

I hate my mother calling me a slut.
I hate my little sister getting everything she wants on a whim, no matter how expensive.
I hate my mother calling me fat.
I hate knowing how bad my weight is.
I hate the way I look.
I hate the way my clothes sit.
I hate not seeing my dad.
I hate being the reason my older sister doesn't see my dad.
I hate being the reason my uncle cried.
I hate being the reason why my family is so torn apart.
I hate not knowing where I stand.
I hate not understanding him.
I hate feeling like an idiot because I don't.
I hate the defense feeling like I'm going to get hurt.
I hate not being able to trust myself.
I hate that the only place I've felt content and happy with myself in the past few months is in his arms.
I hate that I can't control how far I've fallen.
I hate all this uncertainty.
I hate crying all the time.
I hate everything that I do.
I hate how I've become what I never wanted to be.
I hate that a lot of my clothes are black.
I hate that I'm not thin..


I love that my friends support me.
I love my best friend, but hate myself for not seeing her.
I love writing, but hate that almost everything I start, starts off as a letter stating 'Dear Dad'
I love drawing, but hate that what I do best is people crying.
I love the people I work with, but hate being there.
I love hearts and stars, but hate how I know no one will ever love me, or stare at the stars wondering what I'm thinking.
I love being a hopeless romantic, but hate being hopeless.

.Facebook Inboxes. ♥

Generally contain random conversations... the occasional DnM... etc.
Mine however, currently contains one rather drunken 16 year old trying to convince me of something I don't really believe.
"

drunk guy October 30 at 9:09pm

havin a party ayeeeeeeee

Im fair drunk tho aye haha ;)

me October 30 at 9:10pm

haha, figured you were drunk/stoned/on something, jeez, you called me sexy on a wall post.
then shouldn't you be off partying rather than inboxing me??

drunk guy October 30 at 9:11pm

nah not stoned tho

Haha can u blame me ?

me October 30 at 9:12pm

blame you for what? =/

drunk guy October 30 at 9:13pm

talking to you ;)"

That was ok, that I don't mind. Because it's not all together that bad and it can be passed for general chatter.

This is verging on weird:
"

drunk guy October 30 at 9:16pm

ye you are babe. id hell tap that aye! ;D

me October 30 at 9:19pm

Bahahahaha. Now you're just delusional.

drunk guy October 30 at 9:24pm

nah baby :) Your actual hell sexy

i can see y daniel got wit u aye ;)

Me October 30 at 9:25pm

bahahahaha. Daniel just needed a lay, I just happened to be available at the time.. simple.
and er... thanks?
But you really are delusional.

drunk guy October 30 at 9:26pm

noooooooooooo!!!
daneils a cunt for doing that tho. leadin you on andf shit.

but seriosly babe. you're pretty hott."

Mentioning a situation that I don't like talking about is just plain annoying, but getting the general gist of it wrong makes it worse.
Maybe I need to teach this guy what giving up looks like.

"drunk guy October 30 at 9:55pm

hey sexy i was thinkin.... coz we both single u reckon ud send some pics too me?"

What kind of a person does he take me for?
ok sure, I may have slept with his group's 'leader'... and I may be a flirt. But that doesn't make me a slut. Nudes aren't my thing, I never have and never will do them.

.There's 4 of them. ♥

Deleted upon request.

. 20 Good Reasons. ♥

I think from that entire, weird list. I only class 15 and 20 as good reasons... for keeping, not letting you go. :)

Maybe for once things are going my way. I like this. I like this a lot.
Although I probably should study... Meh, tomorrow. Tomorrow I shall study.

. And so it begins. ♥

Here's a post I just want you to read....
Just because you said you wouldn't ask me to wait...
I have every intention of waiting until my patience wears too thin.
You haven't asked. I've decided.
Something about you saying you didn't want to ask because it wasn't fair...
It just clicked, I want to wait for you... But it wont be forever... So just don't take an eternity okay?
You can make and ruin my day.. and there's nothing I can do to stop it.
So, I will wait... until the day that you prove you're not worth it.

.Swimming. ♥

It's my realise for all my anger... resentment.. sadness... depression...
I do laps not for fitness, just to work it all out..
It helps... even if I do usually end up crying in the water.
It helps to drive me to just do more and more until I can't keep myself afloat..
I guess it's not really all that healthy of me to almost drown myself by tiring myself out...
But it just helps..
Makes me strive more and more...
Trying to get the weight of the world off of my shoulders..
Into my own little world.. Where it's just the water and me.... Endless time.
No worries about what's going on... who's doing what... I guess that's why I do prefer the beach to our pool... because the ocean is almost endless... but more dangerous..
Oddly... and say I'm in 'love' with being slightly suicidal... I love the rush of actually having to TRY for something.. to TRY to get to the surface... to TRY to swim out as far as I can... the rush of even the idea of trying to out swim a shark...

Not many people know this...
But a few years ago when I went away for the weekend with a friend..
We were swimming and I got my ankle caught in some kelp...
And managed to get caught in a flash rip at the same time...
I kept on getting dragged under the water... Each time flailing to try and grasp a breath..
It was scary. That I'll admit.. and I've hated seaweed since...
But eventually.. I managed to get my foot free, then had the problem of getting out of the rip partially exhausted.

Despite so many years of SLS I completely blanked... and almost had one of the world's most digusting men come in to save me.
As soon as I got to the sand and just collapsed happy to be there... I had the biggest most amazing rush.
I'd survived something that I'd been trained to save people from.. and I realised just how hard it all was.
The pressure of trying so hard to get back to shore... the adrenaline rush.. everything about it..

I started my addiction to danger... and complete almost suicidal survival rushes..
Makes me wonder exactly how screwed up I really am.

.You.

You're such a fucking hypocrite!

.I miss..... ♥

Ever had one of those times when you just don't want to be yourself?

Well this is one of those times,
I miss my old friends, the way things used to be, the fun we had...
seeing all the photos from their last days of high school.. It gets to me... And here I am... whittling away the time before my 2010 exams...
Getting ready to repeat my 'final' year again next year... to be a part of the 'Class of 2011' not the 'Class of 2010' LIKE I was supposed to be.
I regret changing schools, even if at the time I thought it was the right decision...
I hate who I am and what I've become...
I've changed so much since I left... and I don't really like it.
I miss the way things were, so much... like seeing their photos brings tears to my eyes. I SHOULD have been one of the people in the photos... not just thinking.. wishing that I were with them.

I miss my best friends, I miss our conversations...
I miss my stories making their way around the year level and back... I miss being good at math... and science..
I miss wanting to be a surgeon.. or just a doctor... something better than where I'm headed.
I miss being fit, I miss being thin, I miss those stupid P.E. Lessons where we'd just muck around in the school pool...

I don't know what's up with me lately... I just feel like I've let myself down.. and there's no way to recover.

. 1:58:51 AM . ♥

deleted upon request.

.Just Close Your Eyes. ♥

One simple demand... such a disobedient boy.
I swear I'm in a dream...

Getting home at 2am on a school night...
Cuddles and kisses...
and a promise to take as much time as we can to make sure that this is real. :)
Warm hands...
Play fights...
A new found dislike for mint chewies...

Last night was amazing.
Just Sayin' :)

♥.♥.♥

.Courtney Grace. ♥

.Slippery Slopes. ♥

Why is it... When ever you have one argument with someone, over the smallest trivial matter that...
Even for ages afterwards you seem to keep arguing with them over stupid stuff?
Like asking your mum to go out... or how much they drink... that kind of stuff.
It's stupid and I hate when it happens.
So over this year.

.So I guess this is goodbye. ♥

Really not that much to say.. apart from goodbye.
After so many years of having you by my side... This is pretty much the end. The look of confusion you've given me lately shows that you have no idea what's coming or what's going on. The look of sadness and pain you give me when I put you out brings me to tears... every time. These past couple of days all I've done is cry over you. I have no idea how I'm going to cope when you're gone.

I wish it were easier... I wish it wasn't so... but everything has it's time. I wish knew a way to make it all better... and for you to be you again... but there's no hope of that now. This year has probably been the hardest for the both of us... Your age truly showing through. I wish I could pick you up and cuddle you the way I used to, or have you climb onto my shoulder just to nibble my cheek.

So this is goodbye. You're one of the only things that's kept me going through these long years... and my protector as I slept. I remember the night I was late home... and you ran up as loudly as you could just so you could make sure I was headed home and got there safely.... stopping every 3 metres or so. I'm going to miss your welcomes, and your morning cuddles. And probably the masses of white fluff you leave all over my stuff.
I love you Shake. But I don't want you to go. Even though you have to.
So I guess this is it.

.Love Stories. ♥

~♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥~

Every love story has magic the whole way through it...
Love at first sight and all that jazz...
When I was a little girl I always loved the fairy tail love stories and grew up listening to a love story that seemed like a fairy tail.

~♥ ♥ ♥~

Although these love stories never tell of the awkward moments before the clarity of it all, they never speak of love growing from something lesser... and they never mention how long it'll take before you realise the one you've been looking for was right in front of you all along. They never speak of the moments of pure jealousy or the childish moments each shares. They never speak of the understanding and moments of unknown feelings... or the crushing moments of rejection.. even if in the slightest.

~♥♥♥~

All they mention is how madly in love they were... Not the whole path along the way...
But to these love stories I must say, they bring colour into a world of grey... A sparkle in someone's eye... And, hope in an otherwise meaningless world.

~♥ ♥ ♥~