.Roller Coaster Wreckage. ♥

That seems to describe my emotions of late. They've been up and down, all over the place... and finally screeched to a wrecking stop.
It does depend on who I'm with.. the surroundings and everything else that's going through my mind...
But I've realised as this retarded roller coaster goes round I'm pushing myself further away from people...slowly forcing myself into more anti social activities... and thinking a lot.
Honestly I shouldn't be allowed to think about anything... It just complicates everything... because I over think and over analyse...

And I'm not sure why, but recently I've begun missing my father again.... I guess this is the time when families start to get everything together, sort stuff out... I mean my mother doesn't even want ME to go to my 'graduation'. Yes, I know I'm not really graduating... But I'm passing my SACE and I've completed almost 12 years of schooling... It's a chance to meet my teachers and generally have a good night. But no, she refuses to go because I'm not fully graduating and is trying to discourage me from going because I'm returning next year.
Isn't the high school graduation ceremony, award ceremony etc, the parts where your family is meant to get together and go to?

It's times like this I miss my father, and as the dates move closer I miss him more. And it hurts, so much. It's like being 13 again and having him rip my heart out and tear it to pieces... all over again. I've been so tempted to call him, just to hear his voice... Just to have him say hello to me... Just once. I can't stand hearing stories from my friends about their fathers.. or how they do all this stuff with their families.... It tears me to pieces...

I hate my mother calling me a slut.
I hate my little sister getting everything she wants on a whim, no matter how expensive.
I hate my mother calling me fat.
I hate knowing how bad my weight is.
I hate the way I look.
I hate the way my clothes sit.
I hate not seeing my dad.
I hate being the reason my older sister doesn't see my dad.
I hate being the reason my uncle cried.
I hate being the reason why my family is so torn apart.
I hate not knowing where I stand.
I hate not understanding him.
I hate feeling like an idiot because I don't.
I hate the defense feeling like I'm going to get hurt.
I hate not being able to trust myself.
I hate that the only place I've felt content and happy with myself in the past few months is in his arms.
I hate that I can't control how far I've fallen.
I hate all this uncertainty.
I hate crying all the time.
I hate everything that I do.
I hate how I've become what I never wanted to be.
I hate that a lot of my clothes are black.
I hate that I'm not thin..


I love that my friends support me.
I love my best friend, but hate myself for not seeing her.
I love writing, but hate that almost everything I start, starts off as a letter stating 'Dear Dad'
I love drawing, but hate that what I do best is people crying.
I love the people I work with, but hate being there.
I love hearts and stars, but hate how I know no one will ever love me, or stare at the stars wondering what I'm thinking.
I love being a hopeless romantic, but hate being hopeless.