.Swimming. ♥

It's my realise for all my anger... resentment.. sadness... depression...
I do laps not for fitness, just to work it all out..
It helps... even if I do usually end up crying in the water.
It helps to drive me to just do more and more until I can't keep myself afloat..
I guess it's not really all that healthy of me to almost drown myself by tiring myself out...
But it just helps..
Makes me strive more and more...
Trying to get the weight of the world off of my shoulders..
Into my own little world.. Where it's just the water and me.... Endless time.
No worries about what's going on... who's doing what... I guess that's why I do prefer the beach to our pool... because the ocean is almost endless... but more dangerous..
Oddly... and say I'm in 'love' with being slightly suicidal... I love the rush of actually having to TRY for something.. to TRY to get to the surface... to TRY to swim out as far as I can... the rush of even the idea of trying to out swim a shark...

Not many people know this...
But a few years ago when I went away for the weekend with a friend..
We were swimming and I got my ankle caught in some kelp...
And managed to get caught in a flash rip at the same time...
I kept on getting dragged under the water... Each time flailing to try and grasp a breath..
It was scary. That I'll admit.. and I've hated seaweed since...
But eventually.. I managed to get my foot free, then had the problem of getting out of the rip partially exhausted.

Despite so many years of SLS I completely blanked... and almost had one of the world's most digusting men come in to save me.
As soon as I got to the sand and just collapsed happy to be there... I had the biggest most amazing rush.
I'd survived something that I'd been trained to save people from.. and I realised just how hard it all was.
The pressure of trying so hard to get back to shore... the adrenaline rush.. everything about it..

I started my addiction to danger... and complete almost suicidal survival rushes..
Makes me wonder exactly how screwed up I really am.